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Angelina Jolie’s Evil Genius Twins Wreak Havoc On World

May 31, 2008

The newest additions to Angelina Jolie’s growing family have recently been born in the south of France. The parents are keeping the news as quiet as possible, with Brad’s manager even denying the birth entirely. While this was initially chalked up to a desire for privacy on the part of the couple, which has recently relocated to an estate in France, troubling new reports have surfaced.

According to a leading maternity specialist who was present at the birth, speaking on condition of anonymity, there were a number of abnormalities present at the birth. The first of these was the arrival, while Angelina was still in labor, of the speculated godfather to the children, Tom Cruise. According to the specialist, Cruise spent the majority of the labor at Jolie’s side, adding his support to that of Brad Pitt. When the first of the children was born, the specialist claims, Cruise became agitated and left the room, stating on his way out that “This wasn’t the way we planned it.”

Shortly after Cruise’s departure, the second child was born. Both, as predicted, are girls. Angelina Jolie, speaking early this morning, says that she is overwhelmed by the new babies. “They’re just so . . . aware.” She says. “I can hardly look at them. It seems as though they’re always watching me.” She reclined in her chair, obviously exhausted. “They certainly are beautiful girls.”

There are numerous reports from household staff at the estate that there is something “off” about the new additions. The other children will not enter the newly decorated nursery, and Maddox was heard complaining that “the babies are mean.” This ordinarily would be considered a simple case of sibling rivalry brought on by the birth (strange in such a large household), but reports seem to indicate otherwise. Since the birth, there have been a number of strange occurrences in the household and around the world.

The estate that Brad and Angelina have recently signed a three year lease for is famous for organic wines. Hours before the labor, a fire roared through the grape vines, destroying nearly all of this year’s crops. It was reportedly the sight of the fire that caused Angelina to go into premature labor. During the labor, a bulb in a lamp in the birthing room exploded, causing a brief moment of alarm.

Early Friday morning, a home belonging to 50 Cent, a friend of the family, burned down under suspicious circumstances. The home is the center of a debate between the rapper and his ex-girlfriend, who claims that he gave her and their son the house. As the reports of the fire (no one was seriously injured) were heard at the house, Angelina is said to have clapped her hands over her face and moaned “No, there’s no way they could have done that.”

Near the time of the birth, there was a moderate-sized earthquake in Southern Italy, and there have been one hundred and ninety-four earthquakes worldwide in the last week, including one in Iceland which registered a 6.3 on the Richter Scale.

When asked if there is anything unusual about his new twins, Brad Pitt said the following: “Well, Tom came to me about six weeks ago and said that he had learned . . . through his sources . . . that these were to be very special children. There’s a balance in our house now, with three adopted children, and three biological children. Tom says that this is significant, that our twins will have great influence on the world.” Brad smiled and added “I can’t say whether they’ve already begun to influence things, but I can say that I am the proudest father on the planet right now.”

Angelina, exhausted from the labor and from breastfeeding the children, doesn’t seem to share Brad’s enthusiasm. “Yes,” she said wearily when asked “I’ve heard what Tom’s saying about the children. I’ve heard what he’s saying about that newly discovered tribe, about L. Ron’s predictions. They’re just children. Just babies. They seem very aware, and very intelligent . . . one of them has already figured out how to turn off the music on their mobile. . . but they’re just children. They’re not some sort of prophets, and they don’t have any special powers.” She concluded, seemingly unaware of the strangeness of her comments “And I certainly don’t see what Tom means about their eyes. Their eyes seem fine to me.”

Tom Cruise could not be reached for comment, but Katie Holmes gave the following quote when asked about the birth of Angelina’s fifth and sixth children. “I’ve heard that they’re beautiful, that they’re very special. I’m sure, with parents like theirs, and with Tom as their godfather to guide them, that they will work wonders in this world. Tom can help anyone to see how good they can be, to see their true potential. I’m sure he will do just as well with his godchildren.”

While all reports indicate that the babies were born healthy and normal, some in the household have doubts. An anonymous staff member told reporters that “They say those children are going to be the future of this world. I don’t see it. It seems like a lot of bad stuff has happened since they were born. A lot of bad stuff.”

The family will remain in seclusion on their French estate until August, when the birth of the children will be officially announced. According to one of Angelina’s managers, the family needs some time in private, to adjust, before rejoining the world. A helicopter flyover of the estate this morning revealed only an unknown man (rumored to be Cruise) looking into the sky with binoculars. It is also rumored that Cruise, with a delegation of fellow Scientologists, will be traveling to Brazil early next week to attempt contact with a newly discovered tribe in the area.

 BREAKING NEWS as of June 4th: Sources within Universal Studios have announced that they recently received a strange call, with a distraught woman apologizing for the fire that destroyed property on the Universal Studios grounds. The call was placed in France.

(NOTE: The above is a complete and utter satire. Any real facts or information were pulled from Yahoo! News and the U.S. Geological Survey website. All other facts are solely from the imagination of the author. The author does not hold any ill-will toward Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt, and in fact congratulates them for the good they have done in the world and hopes that their children are born safely. The author reserves the right to withhold judgement on Tom Cruise until a later date, when more information is available. Again, the above “news story” is a complete fabrication, and should not be taken for truth.)


3 Comments leave one →
  1. staturday permalink
    June 1, 2008 2:57 am

    That’s really good. Predictably, I liked the Scientology reference. – Week in Review

  2. Clover Ann leighborn permalink
    June 12, 2008 5:28 pm

    Hilarious! I love brad and angie, they are great people. i think that if Brad is reading he will definitely laugh about this, he has a wicked sense of humor!

  3. June 26, 2008 5:05 pm

    Found your blog while searching Google. Just thought I’d say hi!

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