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Life Update

December 15, 2008

So, I’ve been keeping up with (and by keeping up with, I mean reading once a month or so) my friend Alyssa’s blog, which is about her time in India.  I must say, I’m really proud of her, and amazed by the things that she has seen and done, just from what I’ve read in her blog. I’m sure she has had so many experiences that she hasn’t had the time or energy to put into her blog, and I can’t wait to hear about them when she gets home.  Something else that her blog has motivated in me is a desire to do more blogging of my own, as well as more self-reflection. I have a hard time with self-reflection, in part because I do it all the time.  If you’re constantly analyzing your thoughts and behaviors, its hard to decide what to talk about and what not to talk about. I’ve kept a journal a few times, but unless I remember to carry it with me to class, I seldom write in it. I have a hard time just sitting down to write in a book. Online, I can express myself much better. Of course, there’s a problem with online, too. I am a very open person. I don’t keep many secrets. The trouble is that I would say things to Mike, for example, that I wouldn’t say to Nathan, and vice versa. And most of what I would say to either of them, I wouldn’t say to my father. It makes having ablog that people read difficult, and I don’t like the idea of blogging to empty space. That’s what a journal is for.

Something that I haven’t done a lot of, but would love to, is meditation and spending time alone. I’ve always been drawn to this sort of thing, and I certainly don’t do enough of it. Luckily, in the next eight months or so, I should have plenty of time both to meditate and to blog. Once I finish my classes next week, I am essentially done with classes for a while. I’m taking one class in the spring, and it is my high school observation, so the classwork will be minimal. I’ll also be working 35-40 hours a week, but I should still have plenty of time on the weekends and in the evenings to do whatever I’d like. Then there’s the summer, when I’ll be working, and then I start my Masters in the fall. I think that starting now, I’d like to write a blog or two a week, on just about any topic. I can make it a project of sorts, a get to know myself, get things out kind of project. I might also add in some other components, like 20 minutes of meditation twice a week, and a similar amount of excersize. An overall improve-Erin project. I can write in some time for reading, some time for photography, and track it all here. I’ll draw up a plan soonish.

I have a lot of these sorts of projects that I start and don’t manage to finish. I think I’ll make a real effort to stick to this one, because it’s one that has been floating around my head a lot lately. So, an update on how I’m doing now:

First, for those of you who don’t know yet: I’m engaged. And tonight I bought Josef, my fiance, an engagement ring as well. We both realized that he wanted one for the same reasons that I wanted one, and despite the fact that some people may think it’s silly for a guy to have one, it made sense to both of us. It really made him happy, too, which is something that I always try to manage to do.  Other than that, I think I’m doing really well. I’ve finally ended a friendship with my ex-boyfriend. For a long time after we broke up, I wanted to stay friends because I thought there were some things about our friendship that I couldn’t get from other friendships. Finally, though, after some time, I realized that I didn’t feel so conflicted anymore, and what I really wanted was just to let that relationship slip away. I think I’ve done that pretty successfully.

Also, my uncle is still in jail, and was just sentenced with another 1-5 years, to be served after he completes his current 1-5. That made me happier than I could say. It also means that I likely won’t have to testify until he is about ready to get out, because they won’t want to waste the resources on him when he’s already in jail. I’m sort of happy about that, because I kind of don’t want to testify, but I’m kind of sad, too, because I’d like to get it over with.

I feel like I’m cutting so many of the bad things out of my life, or at least letting go of them. There’s still one relationship that I’m having a really hard time with, but it’s a complicated one, and I think it will get better with time. I hope so, anyway. I keep trying different approaches, “oh, I just won’t care about it” or “maybe if I could just express myself fully, this would get better” or “of course this relationship can exist in the form that I want it to”. None of them really work, and I’m sure my changing it up so much doesn’t help the other person figure out what I’m thinking. The trouble is that I can never seem to actually express what I’m thinking, and the other person doesn’t seem to be playing the same game that I am. It’s actually a pretty serious problem, because it occupies so much of my time, but again, I’m hoping it will get better.

Christmas is coming, and for the first time in a couple of years I don’t feel like I’m crashing someone else’s Christmas. Josef’s family has been telling me that they are my family for years, and I’ve sort of believed them, but this is the first time that I can legitimately claim them as my family. I have a family. I’m going to be a Herde. And a Cook. Even if my own family is few and far between and a little messed up, I now have another one. A big, loving family. I’m really excited about Christmas for the first time in a while. I’m always excited about getting people presents, because I love that, but now I’m excited about the whole process. Getting the tree, decorating it, caroling, the whole bit.

I’m so stressed about finals and such, mostly because I’m not doing anything to get ready. But they’ll slide by, as usual, and it’ll all be over with. If only I can manage to do ok on my pysch test and the GRE, I’ll be happy. Especially the GRE. Ok, before I get too stressed, I’d better go and start working on that stuff.

Love to all!


One Comment leave one →
  1. December 17, 2008 10:29 pm

    Congrats on the engagement and the happiness you’re feeling!

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