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I broke the crazy.

February 28, 2009

For a long time, I’ve had this crazy friendship.  Actually, since I strive for honesty, it was more than a friendship. It was a crush. A totally hopeless, inappropriate crush,  the sort that makes you worry about your sanity.

This was dumb on my part. I’m aware of that. The guy was dumb about it too. Although prior to the development of the crush, we had been very close friends and very open with one another, once the whole “I like you” thing was out in the air, he got weird. He sent mixed signals. He ignored me, and then did incredibly sweet things. Because our friendship was super-important to me pre-crush, and because I’m dumb about crushes, it became really important that he was engaged in the friendship, that he was there when I wanted/needed him to be,  that he cared about me, etc.

To be brutally honest, I spiraled into crazy.

I would get so anxious about not talking to him for a while that when he finally did make some time for me, I’d have a panic attack. I made him cookies repeatedly, for no reason other than to gain his good favor. It was stupid, and not making my real relationship (which I am blissfully happy in) work very well. After a while, I even started getting angry at my crush, assuming that the positive signals he was sending me meant that I was an important part of his life, and then chalking up the negative signals to him being an asshole.

Finally I had a revelation. It came in two parts. First: he has friendships like ours with several other girls, and treats them the same or better than he treats me. This means that I am not particularly special in that department. Once I realized this, a lot of the fascination of the crush was gone. Second: I am happily, blissfully, wonderfully engaged. I do not want the crush to go anywhere. I never have. I just got addicted to the rush of “Does he like me?” and the adrenaline from the drama. Of course, that stuff is bad for you, and crushes are bad for relationships.

So, after my revelations, I made several rules for myself, to “break” myself of the crush. Almost unfailingly, I’ve followed them. It hasn’t even been that hard. And, surprise surprise, two months later I feel about 230% less crazy. I’m also slowly gaining back the friendship that I had with this guy, in a totally healthy way.  🙂

I’m shocked and embarrassed at how I’ve behaved about this situation for the last two years. Seriously. Could I have been any more selfish and ridiculous? I think not. I have offered apologies to my fiance (who knew about the whole situation), to my friends who have had to listen to me moan and complain, and to myself. I have not yet apologized to my crush, as part of the rules (#2: No discussion of the crush).  I may send him a simple message along the lines of “Sorry I was so stupid.” And I was stupid. But now, I have broken the crazy.

I think congratulations are in order. Has anyone else ever suffered from temporary crush-insanity?

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. February 28, 2009 5:16 am

    oh my goodness, with the exception of being involved in another relationship, you completely described one of my crushes to a t. i completely and totally know that kind of crazy. and now that boy and i are back to normal– good friends, but that’s all, and we’re both cool with it. 🙂

  2. March 1, 2009 9:52 pm

    crushes are crazy! i’ve had them where i don’t even know too much about the guy and then things don’t pan out as planned and then i’m like. wth? why was i such a spazz about this one!?

  3. March 14, 2009 1:07 am

    Totally understand!!! I’m married and did the same thing with a guy who I had been friends with for several years. I ended up going all crazy white girl on him one night and we haven’t spoke since. I feel really bad because we were great friends. For some reason or another I thought he was trying to “get” with me.

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